(This is all I have time for right now.)

Sure, I have had many friends have babies, and I have heard them talk about pregnancies over and over again, but I do not think I had any idea what to expect. Maybe I never really listened and processed the details since it was such a foreign concept to me.

And when I got pregnant, it hit me hard that in general. everyone seems to romanticize pregnancy and motherhood. The beautiful photos of pregnant ladies touching their belly with a peaceful smile on their faces, the couple laughing while holding on to the growing belly of the mother to be, the feeling of a living creature inside you. All these images made me think that pregnancy must make you this loving, caring, epitome of Mother Teresa and life would be perfect.

Boy was I wrong. I was just rudely awakened to reality of what pregnancy actually means. And it was not pretty.

The nausea during the first three months, the exhaustion, the heartburn, the moodiness, the crying spells, the hunger.. Sure, I have read about it and I knew these symptoms were expected at some level, but I don’t think you are ever prepared for the intensity of the experience.

Its not to say that each of these symptoms were intense for me, but they were always there. And all at the same time. And it got tiring. And I hated it.

I remember once during the first trimester, I went to a friend’s place for dinner and stayed till about 1230am, without drinking. I felt like I lost all social skills, cos all I wanted to do was just lie on the couch and zone out. I did not want to talk or eat, cos that sometimes brought the acid from my stomach out. I just wanted to vegetate. And the next day was hell too. I could not get up and took the day off work, so I could sleep.

I remember taking the Bart to East Bay once to visit family and I had a sandwich before I left home and by the time I got to East Bay, I was dying of hunger. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. I kept swallowing my saliva to pacify my hunger until I got to a place where I could get something to eat. That kind of hunger. And I had just eaten 25 minutes ago. How could I be so hungry again?

What was the deal with that? AND WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH GETTING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE OF HUNGER? I never knew that happened. That was plain stupid. Hunger would wake me up from deep sleep. Er.. Hello???

It was not like I enjoyed eating, cos whatever I ate, ended up giving me heartburn in about an hour or two and I was sleeping seating up all thru my first trimester. I thought these things happened in the third trimester. How was I getting all this discomfort in the first trimester?

I know of many lucky women who enjoy pregnancy, feel great energy, work out 5 times a week and get the pregnancy glow. Women who wished they could be pregnant a little longer. And I know some of you are reading this, but I have no idea what you ladies talk about. And I would like to slap you.

I got pimples. I farted non stop. I had heartburn and I lost my love for food. My nails grew fast and well and I loved that.

I always thought that I would be an active pregnant woman. I was very active before I got pregnant. Yoga, running, gym were part of my weekly activities. I loved the lifestyle. And I was so confident that I was going to continue this into the pregnancy.. but no sir.. I was too tired for anything.

Then the second trimester came and the mid-back spasms started. And holy mother of God.. that is/was a bit#h. I def had more energy and was less tired, but the pain was unbearable at times. I remember countless nights where I cried because of the pain. I felt like a wimp. There was nothing maternal about the way I felt. I just wanted to feel “normal”. Sure there were nights when I pushed myself to go out and be social.. but I paid for it for the next 2 days.

Now in my third trimester, I am more at peace with all that happens during pregnancy. I am not sure what switched but I have embraced it all. The bloating, the increased heart rate for no reason, the muscle spasms, the expanding ribs, the heavy belly, the ligament pains, the need for sleep, the inability to get out of bed without help.

The best part is the little girl’s movement. Sometimes painful, and kicking me everywhere I never thought possible, its a feeling I am sure to miss.  I feel connected to her. (Surprise Surprise.. I know!) I already feel like I love her. But I have never met her, I don’t know her. I never thought I was that woman who would fall in love with the idea of a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love being around kids, and watching them.. but I always thought that you have to at least meet to have a connection. And yet here I am, impatient and already in love.

And life is really so fascinating. The changes your body goes through, the way your insides move around to accommodate another living creature inside you, its nothing short of a miracle. There. is. another. being. inside. you. Living and moving. Listening and breathing. And one day she will be out and she will be a personality of her own. All from within you and yet, she is not you.

I cannot wrap my head around that. How did God design this? How did he think of this?

Before my third trimester, I thought pregnancy was an evil joke. A bad design. Why could it not be a shorter gestational period? Why can’t labor be easier? Why the nausea, the exhaustion, the pains and the discomfort, the constipation and the puking? Why, why, why?

But now, when I am at the tail end of the pregnancy, I am just amazed whenever she moves and I see ultrasounds of her developing, of her breathing, listening to her heartbeat. She is a part of me. A part of Nithin. Together, we have made her. And yet, she will be her own person. Her own identity. Maybe she will look like me, and laugh like Nithin, but she’s already her own entity.

She will make us laugh. She will make us cry. We will create memories, we will fight and disagree.. and thru the ups and downs, we are tied together by a sacred bond, a bond that cannot be undone, not by law, not by choice.

We are a family, bound by nature.

And we are so impatient to meet her.

I am thankful for my family. Always supporting everything step that I have taken. I never feel alone because I will always have them, standing next to me, helping me fight my battles if I need them to.

I am thankful for my husband who is my teacher and best friend who has given me a fulfilling marriage over the last 2 years. Finding someone you can connect to on so many levels is not easy, and for that I am ever so grateful.

I am thankful for my friends. A growing number of people who I can cry to about anything and everything and who never judge me for the stupidest things I do, or outrageous things I say. Forgiving me for my misjudgements and letting me make my mistakes, but never turning around and saying “I told you so..”.

I am thankful for my work and the people I work with. For giving me respect, a sense of belonging and achievement and for teaching me skills that I can apply to every aspect of my life.

I am thankful for my quiet time, with just me and my breathe. The rise and fall of my belly, reminding me that that is the pattern of life as well. After every fall, there will be a rise and intense attachment to either the rise or the fall is meaningless.

I am thankful for my weaknesses, that I continue to work on, that remind me that life is not lived in cruise control mode and you have to constantly be working on yourself to keep getting further.

I am thankful for my fears, that somehow seem to grow as I grow older. Giving me a sense of freedom, a sense of liberty when I gather my courage to throw them to the wind. Without having them in the first place, I will not be able to feel my own power when I finally let them go.

I am thankful for every hardship that I have faced this year which has helped me mold myself to try to become a slightly better person. I am not perfect in any way, and I have knowingly and unknowingly hurt others. But after every such episode, professionally or personally, I have been able to retrospect and see the bigger picture and remember my mistakes, bad habits. It’s difficult to work on them, but I am thankful for the sensibility to understand that I need to.

I am thankful for my intense emotions, reminding me on a daily basis that I am alive and of the devils I need to keep fighting to achieve the zen I want.

I am thankful for my dreams. Of peace, love and abundance. They give me a reason to get out of bed and make small changes on a daily basis to fulfill my dreams.

I am thankful for this life, with its good and bad. For this body, with its good and bad. For this brain, with its good and bad and for this heart, with its good and bad.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Many of them, thoughts I wish to forget, but I make immortal by laying them out on paper.

When joy is abundant, time flies, I fly to far away places, forgetting this black and white house.

When puzzlement and pain strike, I walk back into this house of mine.

But what have I collected, apart from doubt, questions and tears?

Within this house, I look for faith, answers and laughter and find only a few.

A lonesome reminder of the pains of growing up and growing out of things is not what I want to keep.

But rather, a book of joy.

I have to admit, its not the easiest read.

I am now on page 130 of 500 of ONE volume. And its taken me 2 weeks to get here. (And to be honest, I am sure I have skipped more than half of it.)

The Husband and I have been religious about reading on a nightly basis. He is currently obsessed with improving his memory..and has been reading a lot on that.. (or he was until yesterday, not sure what tonight will bring…) and I have been trying to get thru this book slowly.

Painfully, while the Husband plays fun memory games on the iPad!

Dont get me wrong, the wisdom and the breakdown of the Gita is amazing. He explains so much of the Gita, provides a reason for every single person in the Gita, explains every single event in terms of the internal battles that we face inevitably at some point in life and it is fascinating. Kind of like watching Sixth Sense, when you realize Bruce Willis was dead all along.. (OO..by the way.. spoiler alert…), kind of like when everything comes together like a well coordinated dance and makes sense.

I am mostly loving the book, but when Paramahansa Yogananda spends time breaking down the Sanskrit translations, I cannot help but feel bored. I am getting sleepy right now just thinking about it.

I have learnt a lot. But I wish the book was simpler. I wish it had colorful pictures and cartoons. And games.

Anyway, I digress. I am going to finish both volumes of the book, (even if I skip more than half of it) because there are definitely things to pick up, to learn and to dwell on.

Since reading the book, I have started mediating (read: breathing deeply as I lie in bed about to fall asleep while listening to some mantras.. Okay.. I am cheating and not really meditating, but it is still progress).

I bought myself a new diary..(There is always a reason to shop!). To write my own gita every night. The battles between the good and bad in me. The habits that are adding to my karmic debt and the actions that are paying off my karmic debts.

Man’s search for meaning and guidance in life is such a painful process, but we all contemplate on such things at least at some point in life..

A few things I would like to get answers on, if at all possible,  are:

1. What are our samskaras?

2. What is our karmic debt?

3. More simply, what is right? And what is wrong? How do you differentiate between the 2 when life is so grey?

4. What am I looking to achieve with these words of wisdom?

At this point, my eventual goal in this journey is to ensure that when I am at my deathbed, I would be at peace with the person I have been in this life.

At peace with what I have left behind, the memories, the teachings (If I so dare..), and the warmth.

I have a long way to go to become the person I can to be.

I don’t mean to say I am a bad person and I need to be a good person, no. What I mean to say is that I need to be a master of my domain. (Ha! Ha!)

I am a good person as we all inherently are, but I need to conquer my 100 evil cousins (Referencing Duryodhan and his 99 siblings from the Gita.. notice how I bring it all together.)

My mind and my habits.

My emotions and my affiliations.

My associations and my judgements.

I think we all do. As cliche as it sounds, to just be more open, loving and accepting.

I am sure all of us.. okay.. maybe some of us.. have a long way to go in this journey. Some of us will admit to it, some of us, the lucky ones, are completely content as we are.

I was going to make this a really long blog about the things that have touched me from this book, but that would require more time. I will definitely keep coming back to write about this book and the teachings. I also thought I was making sense, but now I am not sure. So I am signing off now. Until next time!

Seven days ago, the ocean rose to swallow the torn open earth.

Seven days ago, a grandmother held on tightly for dear life to every little hope floating in the sea of destruction.

Seven days ago, a woman saw her daughter swept into dark, murky, monstrous waters to never see her again.

Seven days ago, a man set out in the danger to look for his wife, only to find washed out wedding pictures of their neighbors lying on what could to be his bedroom, just a day ago.

Seven days ago, a man-made poison threatened to cause a lifetime of damage to the bodies of the wounded souls.

Seven days ago, a child died waiting for someone to realize he was still alive buried under the car.

Today, the civilization stands together, heartbroken but calm; traumatized but composed.

Today, they pick up the pieces of their broken lives, looking for strength and hope in each other.

Today, they continue to grieve the life they lost.

Today, they continue to look for their loved ones that they have not heard from.

Today, they turn to the rest of the world for help.

Today, the world reaches out in friendship and camaraderie to offer help, prayers and hope.

Today, as some of us await a sunny weekend, a civilization has lost track of time as they live in make shift houses while they find the strength to put their lives together again.

Nature has constantly played these cruel jokes on humankind.

Over the years, millions have been consumed by the assumed rage of the earth.

It is an ancient story of the helplessness of humankind, but the pain never gets old, never gets numb or dull.

Yet, every time, since the beginning of time, civilizations rebound on their feet, better equipped to fight the next tantrum of this earth.

Of this earth that we belong to, of this earth we stand on, of this earth we love and at the times like these, curse and hate.

A constant reminder that there are forces greater than us out there. A lesson that we need to find the greater force within us to survive.

I hope the people affected by this tragedy rise to the challenge and again, take whatever control they can of their lives.

They are in my prayers and I hope they recover from this heartbreak and horror as quickly as is humanly possible.

Nothing else to it.

Writing has always helped me work out my feelings, my thoughts, my confusion and been a stress relieve for me for as long as I can remember, and a 4 year “writer’s block” as I have called it is just lame.

Maybe I wont write anything profound, or deep. Maybe it wont really be a very funny post, but today, I realized I have to give up.

And today I did and I have this blog post.

I am giving up trying to think of funny stories to write about.

I am giving up posting only cathartic post to appear like I have depth to my soul.

I am detaching from my expectations of myself and I am writing.

I wish I could do the same to other things in life.

I have been telling myself to go to the gym forever, and I have not made even one trip.

I am planning on starting a Bikram yoga challenge and I have not started yet.

I have been meaning to start eating well, but I have not started yet.

And instead of planning, nagging, and meaning to do things, I should just give up on these things.

Not out of frustration or failure, but if force/nag/constant reaffirmations are not working, then maybe just not thinking about it will work.

I am hoping.

So in the name of Hope, I end this blog.

I hope to be back again tomorrow, just to ramble on.

With no expectations. With no agenda, plan or without anything to say.

My future would look bleak…