February 25th, 2011
I have been spending a lot of time in the last few weeks forcing myself to write.. and today, I came across a blog with very short daily posts that made me realize that to get myself to blog, I just need to blog.
Nothing else to it.
Writing has always helped me work out my feelings, my thoughts, my confusion and been a stress relieve for me for as long as I can remember, and a 4 year “writer’s block” as I have called it is just lame.
Maybe I wont write anything profound, or deep. Maybe it wont really be a very funny post, but today, I realized I have to give up.
And today I did and I have this blog post.
I am giving up trying to think of funny stories to write about.
I am giving up posting only cathartic post to appear like I have depth to my soul.
I am detaching from my expectations of myself and I am writing.
I wish I could do the same to other things in life.
I have been telling myself to go to the gym forever, and I have not made even one trip.
I am planning on starting a Bikram yoga challenge and I have not started yet.
I have been meaning to start eating well, but I have not started yet.
And instead of planning, nagging, and meaning to do things, I should just give up on these things.
Not out of frustration or failure, but if force/nag/constant reaffirmations are not working, then maybe just not thinking about it will work.
I am hoping.
So in the name of Hope, I end this blog.
I hope to be back again tomorrow, just to ramble on.
With no expectations. With no agenda, plan or without anything to say.
Categories: Musings |
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January 10th, 2011
Its the first Sunday of the new year.. and I have been meaning to pen down a few thoughts for a while now.
As 2010 came to an end, I could not help but feel nostalgic about the year that has passed.
What a year it has been. Marriage, new home, new friends, a new outlook to life.
I just wanted to pen down a few things I have learnt and have been thankful for this past year and a few things I would like to improve on this coming year. I also wanted to restart my forgotten hobby of blogging. And so what better way to say my thanks and make promises than in this first blog of 2011.
I want to start with a few things I have learnt about myself.
I have learnt that I am constantly changing and every day, month and year I am learning new things about myself;
Some of which I am proud of, and some of which I am shocked to learn but accept with no judgment.
I have learnt that marriage, while difficult at times, is such a blessing for two people in love;
I have been very lucky that the person I am married to is one of the kindest, most laid back and calm/zen people I have ever known and a large part of the good qualities that I hope to make mine are actually his. And I am thankful to my stars for making him my closest teacher.
I am thankful that my family is always there for me and even though we do not speak every day, or see each other everyday, when trouble arises, I always have a childhood friend or a childhood home to run to and complain or cry my heart out and for that, I am ever so grateful. My brother and my parents have always been and will always be my anchors.
I am eternally thankful that the family I have married into has so readily made me one of their own. The many times when I have longed to have a big family closer to me is now fulfilled. I have inherited so many loving brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces that I know I will never feel lonely again. The sense of belonging to a strong network, getting to know each new member, bonding over time and to be there for one another in times of need. I am looking forward to all of these things.
I have learnt while it is true that the older you get, the more difficult it is to develop the kinds of friendships you could develop when you were younger, but it is not impossible. I am grateful for the new friends who have stumbled into my life randomly and stayed on to become people I turn to when I need a smile, laugh or a hug. Each one with a bigger heart than the next. Strangers who have introduced me to parts of me that I did not know of. Thank you.
I have also faced challenges in 2010, but most of it has been internal; dealing with challenges at work, insecurities, critiques but with each challenge, I have learnt to identify my weakness, control my instinct to judge, overcome my prejudice by understanding where these negative feeling come from and to take only the positive from critiques and leave the negative behind.
I am not perfect.
I slip time and again into habits I want to change about myself. Each challenge is bringing me closer to that place of eternal love and zen inside me. But reaching that place or staying there can be challenge, especially when there is turbulence and chaos inside that sweeps me away with each wave back to square one. But I am grateful to myself that after each slip, I get up and start moving towards that same peace.
2011 will be another year of big changes.
New job, new role, new things to learn, new hobbies to explore.
And I know that every so often, as I try and reach that place of eternal love; free of judgement, jealousy, insecurity; I will fall back into the same trap. But this I promise 2011 that I will never stop trying.
This is my resolution:
To be more zen, more often.
To love and not expect to be loved.
To learn new things, about me and about the world, and to accept it without judgment.
To expand my horizons, with the people I meet, and the company I keep and to accept each challenge and each critique without breaking down my faith in me.
These are high expectations.
And some of these will be very difficult, but like it has been said, always aim for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars.
I hope you set high expectations for yourself that you can aspire to this year, every day.
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July 24th, 2010
So I was re-reading my post from yesterday and I realized that I need to get back into writing very badly. I might end up losing my touch. That is not to say that my post last night was great, or horrible. It was just so so. And since I believe and LOVE writing, I want to get better, not just stay at “Meh”.
I spent today sleeping away. We got up at 10am, went for brunch at Butler and Chef, which I can’t decide if I like or not.. and so I have concluded that I do not like.
We came back and I was reading this book about writing with tons of prompts on what I could possibly write about. But I went to sleep instead. For a good, solid 4 hours. Its 8.30pm now and I am hungry and we have a birthday party to go for…(after like a good 2 months). So much for writing today. But I will think about it tomorrow.
Am going to make dinner now, and if it turns out amazing, I will share a few pics..(Not like anyone is holding their breath waiting for it). but otherwise, I will revisit you tomorrow, O Soul of Mischief.
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June 29th, 2010
F*%& this block.
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June 26th, 2010
My future would look bleak…
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June 26th, 2010
I was never a sophisticated person. Friends who have known me forever will tell you that. I have been able to pull it off for a period of time recently, but I am not good enough to last very long.
When I first moved to the US, I thought I had metamorphosed into this sophisticated being, because I was living away from home and I was alone etc.
I remember this was in 2001. It was the winter vacations. I had been in the US for a grand total for 5 months. Everyone had gone home for the vacation.
When they all came back, Priya told me she missed me and she saw a hindi movie that reminded her soo much of me. In that one month, I was completely out of touch with movies, etc.
Priya then told me that the movie was “Kabhie Khusi Khabhi Gham” and that when she saw Kajol in the movie, she was reminded of me. She said that even a few others thought that I was a lot of like Kajol was in the movie.
And I remember thinking in all seriousness that “Hmmm, Kajol must have been really classy and sophisticated in the movie.”
And I voiced this to Priya.
“Hmm…so shes really poised and classy?”
Priya started laughing and she said “Yes”. So obviously I assumed, Ok, so am I.
A few weeks later, we rented the movie from the Indian grocery store and we saw it. And I was heartbroken.
I saw Kajol in it and I was soo disappointed. Am I really such a country bumpkin?
(No one needs to answer that. Thank you very much.)
You would think that with time, I would have become more ladylike.
But no.
Last Thursday, I went for dinner with N. We went for food at Tajine, this place near my house cos N has been wanting to try it for a long time.
I think a few days before, N and I had gone to a Peruvian place in Filmore. It was to die for. The food was awesomeeeee!!! But that nite, he had a bad stomach and I had a bad stomach the next day.
My bad stomach seemed to have continued to the day we went to Tajine. (Or I think it could have been the new protein shake that I am taking…I do not know why, but I get lactose intolerant with certain protein brands.)
The whole dinner, I was bitching to N that I had a bad stomach.
We had really wonderful food… at one point, a burp escaped me….(Not like I really try to be stylish around N, but we were in public, sitting very close to other people)…and I smiled.
We were having great conversation and suddenly, I had to let one out. I tried very hard to control it. But it was one of those sneeky ones that just creep up inside you and escape you like a sly thief.
For a second, I was just glad that it was not loud. Phew.. !
And then suddenly, I smelled something. OH shit. Panic. Oh dear.
And I looked up shyly from my dinner plate at N. He was looking to the left and right…sniffing the air.
“Please please please please, do not say anything” I prayed.
He looks at me, his face plastered with an expression of disbelief.
“Whats that.. did you just FARTT??”
Oh shiiiaateee! Caught.
And I am not the best liar in such cases.
I looked sheepishly at him and smiled.
“Oh maannnn!! It STINKS!!!”
I kept smiling, and I said “Yes, I know. I am sorry. It just came out”
I tried my puppy dog look, but it was just too smelly. I mean everyone likes their own brand, but this was strong for me as well.
He looks around, “Oh mann!! Never….You know, I have gone on dinner with many gals, and never have I had the problem of the gal I am with farting. I was expecting you to say no… Oh maan.. Its usually me who does it. And you know what the most fucked up thing is, people are going to smell it and think its me!! Cos no one will think you did it.”
I tried to defend myself. “Its a normal bodily function. And you do it too!! God Dammmit!!”
N: “Yes, but mine never stink!! Not soo bad”
A: “I tired to hold it in…but it just escaped me..I am sorry…”
N: “Yea, its ok.. I mean its not ok.. you are a gal.. but watever.. its fine..”
So we continued our dinner and it was fine.
Yesterday, we went for Punchline with Pundits, a stand up comedy show.
We were sitting down and he started sniffing again.
N: “Arti, can you smell something.. ? Its like someone just farted”
I got all defensive.
A: “Its not me this time, I promise!! I did not do it.”
N: “Relaxx, Under normal circumstances, I would not think that its the gal I am with who farted. But yes, I guess with you……..”
It is very sad. There is nothing more to say.
{EOF}
Categories: Attempts at Humor, FML |
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June 26th, 2010
Registering of SF half-marathon: $80
1 Ipod to run with: $400
1 pair of running shorts from Nike: $35
1 Dri-fit Vizor from Nike: $18
1 pair of sunglasses to run in: $25
1 Hydration Belt: $35
1 Arm band for my new Ipod so I can run with it: $17
5 GU packets: $5
Waking up at 11am drunk and hungover, and missing the half marathon: Priceless
There are some things money can’t buy.
For everything else, there is Pappa.
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June 26th, 2010
My DeQuervain’s tenosynovitis is back.
I don’t believe this.
How can a condition that sounds as cool as that be so painful?
Again, my left hand is hurting every time I move it. Is DeQuervain’s tenosynovitis forever?
I remember very clearly, when I was packing in Boston, I saw the brace and I thought to myself…”Ahhh..the pain is gone, why stuff your bag with it….imagine how many candle holders you can pack in that space”.
Its like the forlorn brace cursed me for leaving it back in Boston. 2 weeks after I threw the brace away, my pain is back. With a bang! And its not even like I was going to the gym and doing weights. I did the weights in Boston..and it did not hurt.
It is divine retribution. ‘God is punishing me thru my own hands! 
’ (I guess that has a new meaning now)
When I was wearing the brace, I used to wear it everywhere because I got sympathy…people on the T would give up their seat for me, cos I could not hold on to the handles…people in the elevator would start talking to me, asking me waht was wrong…people helped me carry my groceries. I abused it. Yes sir, I did.
On days when I badly wanted a seat on the T, I would pretend to be left handed and just show agony and made sure my brace was obvious. Eventually, I would move someone emotionally with my display of pathetic weakness..and I would get a seat.
On days when I had TONS of groceries, I would play the damsel in distress and some fool will fall for it and carry my groceries. When strangers asked me what happened, I made up some heroic story about how I was standing in the bus and it suddenly halted and some kid was falling and I hurt myself while trying to break his fall. It made me feel like a hero. Like I was this righteous person with great integrity.
Of cos my close friends knew that this DeQuervain’s tenosynovitis was a result of an extremely rough Halo game with Shola and Tom 2 years ago. (I beat their asses…as usual…HUH! PUNK-A** BI**HES, REMEMBER THAT??? SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!)
Well, now the pain is back. Again its going to be Summer and I am going to wear sleeveless with the brace. Have to find a doctor again. This SUX!
I wont mind the DeQuervain’s tenosynovitis..(I know I keep repeating it..but its only cos I want you guys to think that I know how to pronounce it)..if only it did not hurt.
Categories: Attempts at Humor, FML |
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June 26th, 2010
This is a story I have to share cos I think its hilarious.
When I decided that I was going to move to the west coast, I knew that I was leaving all the friends I have made since my time in US behind. I knew that I was going to be completely alone on the west coast…and I found that very exciting. But after I moved to SF, I was bugging all my friends on the East Coast to visit me, cos SF is a beautiful place..and I needed friends and was lonely.
Since the last time Tina and I met was a while back, she decided to take a break and come to SF. It was friday nite when she flew in from Philly.
I was super excited. I had the entire weekend planned out. Pick her up at the airport, get some food, go dancing and then on Saturday morning at 6am, we were going sky diving. I had booked everything.
Then a picnic is Sausalito and a drive to Napa and Sonoma Valley. Life was perfect. Everything on Saturday made sense
For those of you who do not know Tina…. Tina + Arti + Alcohol = Outrageous stories.
It is with Tina that I saw my first cat fight at a club. (Tina was involved. I was standing and watching.)
It was with Tina (amongst others) that I peeped in my pants cos I was laughing too hard.
It was Tina who I kissed in public and in sadness cos we did not pick up any guys to kiss.
It was with Tina that we peed in public, behind a dumpster. She stood guard while I peed and and I stood staring at her and telling her how never in my life did I think I would be seeing her pee Indian style in some back alley in Boston at 230am on a Friday nite. She peed and kept shouting at me to look away. But I could not. It was so funny, it made me want to pee again..
Yes, things have only gotten crazy with this gal. But I was super excited abt sky diving and I wanted no drunkard nonsense that weekend. We had planned to be really serious and not get trashed.
We went for dinner at a place near my place. And after dinner we were walking home, and we saw a cute boy in the wine store next to the restaurant..so we thought, why not get wine? The guy is cute. So we got a bottle of wine.
At home, while getting dressed, she suggests that we take wine shots so we wont have to buy drinks at the club….(She is a Gupta. And Gupta means Cheap)
I am stupid so I go along with her plan..(I also remember thinking I needed new friends who were not so cheap.)
So we took wine shots, finished the bottle. SC came to pick us up at 11. We were..well I was wasted…..she denied it cos she thinks she’s the shit.
When we got to Bambuddha, my roommate was there and she had gone wine tasting earlier.. so she had more than a few drinks in her already and she told me I have to catch up…
It became a matter of ego. How can someone else drink more than an Indian??!?! This is disgraceful!!
Now, I had to drink for my color, for my South Asian brothers and sisters. So I drank and I drank…as did Tina.
I do not remember much of that night. I know we were trying to chat the bouncer up. Or something.
The next time I opened my eyes, I was staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. The wheels start to turn.
“How did I get here?”
“What day is it?”
“Is this my home?”
“Yes, this is my home. It is my bed (Phew!!). ”
“How did I get here?”
I move and toss slightly, and I see that I am naked. Butt Naked.
Now I am even more confused.
I turn to my side and I hear Tina snoring away to glory…What the? Where are my clothes? I had nothing. NOTHING ON.
I kicked her awake and I asked her…
“Tina…Why am I naked?”
She keeps snoring. I kick her harder…
“Why am I naked, bitch?”
She moans… tries to wake up…opens her eyes, looks at me.. and says…
“Hmmm…What…what….Oo….Oo….I gave you a shower last nite…”
I was stunned.
I wait for her to burst out laughing.
She closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.
I was trying to figure out if she was joking or she was serious.
But apparently she was serious.
I shake her awake and ask her…
“Why DID YOU GIVE ME A SHOWER???”
Snoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….
So I decide to wait. I tried to move and I felt sick. There I was, naked next to my friend who slept with her mouth open, snoring away, as I lay there with my eyes open in horror.
We got up. And my roommate’s awake and she smiles at me.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit?”
Anywyas, I have to get work done.. so i will stop here. but the story is..
We both got completely wasted, I puked (in the car of a bouncer who was kind enough to drop us home…) and because I am such a clean person… I HAD to take a shower…..and they let me into the bathroom, thinking I could manage…
They heard the water go on for a while and after 10 mins, there did not hear anything from the bathroom…
She came in, and saw me lying in the bathtub, sleeping, with the shower on.
So she tried to clean me up but she was just as drunk.. and then we gave up and just passed out on my bed.
We spent the next day hugging the toilet for like 5 hours….It was Diwali.
Very indian and cultured of us.
Categories: Attempts at Humor, FML |
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June 26th, 2010
Something in me broke loose in 2005.
Something in me made me realize that I need to lose myself..
12 months ago, I made a pact that I was going to live very differently. I had decided that I was going to take new risks that I normally would not take, do things that I normally would not do.
I was going to live life with a twist, for whatever that meant to me.
And 12 months later, looking back, I know I have.
There were many times in 2006 when I did not recognize myself.
Many times, I threw caution to the wind, and did what felt different and un-characteristic of me.
Just for kicks.
In that process, I landed up in a different place, with a life filled with different experiences and different types of people I never met before…
Was 2006 a great year?
I am not too sure.
As I look back, I realize I exposed myself to new emotions I did not know how to deal with, and I might have come across as an un-composed, un-suave and un-glued goof ball.
The tremendous joys I have experienced in 2006 and the losses I experienced in 2006 were very new things to me, but these were experiences I chose to have….brought on by intent.
The best part of 2006 was ‘coming home’; finding myself.
To find the me that took off on an adventure and to understand why I choose to be me.
To see people who know me like the back of their hands, people who know what I am thinking before I think it and people who love me unconditionally despite all my thoughts.
Have you ever looked at anyone and suddenly felt an angel touch your soul?
Felt your heart expand with love?
Hugged someone and forgotten all the pain you thought you could never forget?
I think, if you have never given someone a chance to come that close, share the darkest side of your inner being, bare your deepest fears and yet be able to look the person in the eye, you’ve not experienced the joy that God has made us capable to feeling.
I know these sound like fancy, romantic words to express a good feeling, but I realized that I am blessed.
When I am sitting down quietly by the ocean, looking out into the sea and I turn to my side and see the faces next to me, I know that in this vast universe, somewhere, I can just be.
And I have found that place.
This is not an entry about how thankful I am for the people in my life, people who have come into my life and chose to stay despite everything.
It is an entry to close the chapter on 2006 and to look towards 2007.
It was definitely a different year.
A year that I will look back at and think was the year I truly found myself by completely losing myself.
With the year at an end, I know I have come to the end of another adventure and 2007 will be a very different year.
Different aspirations, different dreams.
A year I will live life true to myself. A happy new year.
I hope you find your happy new year in 2007 too and live it true to who you are deep inside when no one else is watching; when you are not trying to prove yourself to the world; when you are not trying to appear strong and composed.
I hope that you too are able to forgive everyone who has hurt you in 2006.
That with the year end, you say a prayer for that person; because you have found the strength to do so; because you know that a new dawn is on its way, and with dawn comes a new chance at a new beginning.
I hope that you find, in one form or another, the friendships and loves that you thought you lost.
That with the year end, you get over the pain and learn to trust again; because your canvas is bare again; because you know you can be Picasso in your own world.
I hope you find, in a life that is always changing, a constant that will pillar you when 2007 throws a curve ball at you.
That with year end, you decide to take the risk and trust something, or someone as a constant, knowing fully well, that nothing is ever constant and nothing is forever; but you have state of mind to know that despite that, you need a constant, for your sanity; that us humans are social creatures and we can never make it alone; that to experience life to its fullest, you need someone around you, someone who is willing to be with you…despite your flaws..
I hope you find the strength of love, to share and to be kind to others. And I hope you find the strength to deal with the adversities that, touch wood, might be thrown your way in 2007.
But most of all, I hope that you are true to the person you are with when you are completely alone and quiet.
Happy New Year.
Categories: Musings |
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